....and remember,you have to cook exactly like this if you want to survive in this job....." the head chef had an evil glint in his eyes as he explained all the nitty-gritties of the task to the newly appointed cook.Masked threats.I stood,hidden behind the door and felt a pinprick of fear down my spine.

Firstly,because the new cook was my friend who had taken up a job on the Star Cruise Virgo.Reason??He wanted to impress the girl he secretly loved and who was on board the ship as a first-class passenger.My poor friend couldnt afford to buy himself a ticket(inspite of owning posh gleaming Nokia N73 and several other expensive gadgets)and so the only way he could stay near her and find a way to her heart...err...stomach was to take up a job as a cook on the ship. (No logical reasons to dissuade a person from doing such things.At least,I can't think of any.)

Now I had responsibilities too.I just couldn't let him go all by himself.After all I was the one who had introduced them and then tried my hand at ghotokali.So I had to go as well.Someone..(I don't know who)paid for my tickets.Or maybe,no one did and I just managed to sneak in.I was determined to help him but had not bargained for what I found out.

1> The head cook was our Life Science teacher.The lady who we all hated with an omen because she had a vile temper and a vitriolic tongue with words like whiplash.The lady who nearly flunked me in Life Science...ahem not that I was good at it...ahem.

2>My friend can do a lot of things.He can dress and behave like a chef to perfection,imitating them in every possible way,can impress you with his supersmooth banter etc.Yes a lot of things.

He just can't cook.

3>I suffered from sea-sickness.

Suddenly.....RRRRRRIIIINNNGGG!

Ma:"Ai! oth!Choi er phone!"
Me(rubbing eyes furiously): Wahaaat??!!
Choi(small voice):Hello.
Me(eyes drooping):Hello.
Choi:*sniff sniff*
Me(trippy voice):Mmmm....
Choi(trembling voice):Shreo...!!
Me:Hmmm...??
Choi(stiffled sobs):Ami shopno dekhlam tui mara gechhich.
Me(eyes closed,deep slow breaths):Hmmm....
Choi(alternately sniffing and talking,making it hard to understand what she's saying):Haan!tui mara gechhish! tor shraddho hochhe.
Me(now realising what she's trying to say):Okay.Then??
Choi:Tor chhobi te gandaful er mala.Mashi kadchhe.
Me(yawning):Mara gele gandaful deyna.rojonigondha hobe ota.
Choi(lets out a long loud hysterical sob.Goes in the line of AAAAAAAANNN. *sniff sniff*)...aaaaaann!!!...."Yearkey marchhish keno??Ami shottyi bolchhi.tui mara gechhish. "
Me(intrigued but sleepy):Arrey ki holo??I'm not denying toh!Tarpor??
Choi(hyperventilating):Mashi bolchhe tor Life Science er Excretion er chaptertao pora hoye gechhilo.
Me(starting to laugh amidst all the confusion):Of all things,Excretion keno porbo?? :D :D :D
Choi:Dhush!Ami ki jani??Ami dekhlam mashi bolchhe.
Me:Acchha,ami toh mara gechhi??
Choi:Uuunn.
Me:Tahole Excretion kothheke elo??
Choi:Uuuun.
Me:Hmmmmm.
Choi:sniff.sniff.sob.sob.uuuun......
Me:hmmm.portals??
Choi(gulps):Uuuun...
Me:Okay.ghumo.tata.
Choi:Uuunn.

10 minutes of sniffing,snivelling,sobbing and 'hmmm'ing.After that I hung up.Or the call got disconnected automatically.

2 hours later,I woke up with my mind swimming in a mad whirl and called up Choi...."Lojja kore na????shokal 6tar shomoye amake ghum theke tule bole tui mara gechhish...???" while Choi tried to defend herself by saying..."Ami ki korbo??Ami ki icche kore korechhi?? tui e toh orom baje time e mara geli!"
Me:Tai bole tui amay phone korbi???
Choi:korbo na???Tui mara gele ami toke phone korbo na???
Me:Maane?? Ami mara gele tui amake phone korbi ???
Choi:Arrey!tui toh shotti shotti mara jashni.tai phone korechhi.
Me:Tahole phone korechhish keno??
Choi:Amar koshto holo.huff.
Me: But tai bole tui amay phone korbi??aaan???bhor 6tar shomoye??......tui phone korechhish keno.....???
.....................................................................................................................................
As for confused readers,
#1 portals=a deep,soul-searching piece of prose that my dear friend wrote.Why I referred to it is one of the unsolved mysteries of the profoundly inexplicable brain.

#2 Life Science amar pichhu chhhare na!!!....*sniff sniff*. That to Excretion er chapter.OH GOD!!! :D :D :D :D

#3 The ship plot was a thrilling dream sequence,perfectly Hindi film-eesh(my home production,Titanic-meets-Kaho Naa Pyaar Hain)rudely interrupted and thus,terminated by someone who bumps off people at the wrong place wrong time.

#4 uuun=said in affirmation when speaker is sniffing and not in a position to talk.

Such is life.Sometimes.